By Erika Moen on July 25, 2011
My husband, Matt, just got an email from a love-sick man asking for advice on how to get the lady of your desires when she is an out lesbian. Some critics of my autobio comic DAR! have complained that by sharing my personal transition from identifying as a lesbian to identifying as queer after I fell in love with Matt, that somehow sets the example to straight men that it’s ok to hit-on/convert gay women– which was never a message I ever intended to endorse, nor is that even close to how our relationship began.
Matt wrote out a very nice reply that I thought other Aspiring Lesbian Whisperer Straight Males might benefit from reading.
I’m sorry about your problem, but I’m afraid there is nothing you can do to change this lady’s sexual preference. I realize you feel very strongly toward her and would like to be more than friends, but if she’s made it clear that she isn’t attracted to your gender then you must respect that and keep to a friend-only relationship.
If ever her sexuality evolves and she tells you she likes men then feel free to try and pursue a greater relationship. But don’t hold out hope for this. And please; if you care so greatly for her and wish to stay friends with her don’t tell her about your feelings, as she will NOT be able to reciprocate, and this will ruin your friendship.
I realize DAR talks about a lesbian falling in love with a man and how it can make it seem like there is some sort of possibility that a man/friend can make a lesbian-lady/friend fall in love with him. But this isn’t the case. Erika’s sexuality (being a lesbian) started to shift and change on its own accord, I had nothing to do with it (and could have nothing to do with it; sexuality is completely internal), I just happened to be the right person at the right time with the right chemistry.
While it might break your heart, please do not pursue your friend, do not tell her of your feelings (if you wish to stay friends with her), and try your best to make her happy as a friend.
Also I should point out that I’m not a relationship adviser and not an expert.
My best and sorry,